A letter to my husband.
We usually try to plan something nice for our anniversary, but this year there is way too much going on. So I wanted to write you a letter to tell you how much I love you!
14 years ago I was 20 and you were 23. We were so young, yet we knew that what we had was special. When I looked at you I saw everything you aspired to be, and I prayed every day that you saw the same in me. Fourteen years ago on a Thursday morning we walked into the Justice of the Peace, with our heads held high, because we knew what we were doing. I remember my wedding ring didn’t even fit on my finger because it was so swollen. It was swollen because sitting right between us was our daughter, patiently awaiting her arrival. We said “I do” kissed my parents good-bye, and I rushed you to your morning class at UH. No dinner, no party, that afternoon I sat in our one bedroom apartment full of joy, because I knew everything was perfect.
And it was. I loved our first few years together, rushing to school and work. Spending every moment Trinity was awake with her, because we were afraid to miss a milestone. We would get home from work and play two hours with her before ever thinking about dinner, the first few months she would sit in her bouncer on top of the table while we ate so we wouldn’t miss one of her smiles, they were the most beautiful smiles! And we moved along, slowly, every semester crossing off classes from our degree plan, inching towards graduation.
When Trinity was two you graduated, and I was the most proud person in the world. You told me that day you did it for us, for our future, and I didn’t know it then, but you were absolutely right. I remember Trinity was so proud to see her daddy in his “black dress” as she said, she even learned to say “Happy Gradulation daddy”.
Things got a bit easier as you began working as an Engineer, you loved the responsibility, and you loved being the provider. After graduation we began to notice the change. You would come home with bloodied knees from jogging. You would say, I just tripped out of nowhere. We started to try to figure out what was going on, but all the doctors would say, you’re young, you just need to stretch. So, we began to ride bikes, and it wasn’t long after that you began to fall off of the bike. It took about two years to finally get the diagnosis, the diagnosis that slowly began to break us.
Two weeks before we got the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, we found out we were going to have another baby. Two weeks before your diagnosis, we were elated. After your diagnosis, you didn’t know this, but I was very afraid. I became afraid instantly, because it wasn’t long after your diagnosis that your progression with the disease began. It happened pretty fast, no waiting period, just BAM!
Noah was a blessing, and Trinity loved her little brother. We were the perfect family to no one, just us. We were always the young parents, and although it bothered me, the stares. You never cared, you were my rock, my strength. As much as we could, we strived to give our kiddos experiences that would shape who they would become one day. During this time, we came up with our motto, or I did, I am not sure… It didn’t matter what we wore, what we drove, or where we lived, if our kids were messed up. Meaning, tangible things were not going to make us successful, or make us happy, our kids were. And this is what we did, we did everything for our kids, we read with them every night, we laughed with them every day, and we told them every day that we loved them ALL THE TIME!
We finally bought our home in 2013, and a year later we were not sure if we would make it together any longer. We had finally let MS win. Multiple Sclerosis had you believing that it was best to walk away from your family, so they could have a chance at a normal life, and so that I could find someone who was not sick. Although MS was clouding your thoughts because you physically dealt with it every day, it was also messing with mine, because I emotionally dealt with it every day. “In sickness and in health” is not so bad when it’s a cough or the flu, but when you are dealt with a debilitating disease with no cure, it is scary as hell, and I let it win. I started to be this person that was angry all the time. I hated that you stopped dreaming of our future together because instead you were scared of what the future would look like. I was annoyed by the things you could not do, annoyed that it was all left on me, or so I thought. I was also very angry with God. I believe all this with me, and what was going on with you, encouraged you to say that we were better off not together.
It hurts so much to type this, but I am not typing this for the sake of typing. I am sharing because I now understand that sharing our struggles brings us closer to God. We separated for three weeks. The kids were a mess, I was too, at first. By the end of the second week I began to think that maybe it was for the best, I was free! I was free from fearing the future, fearing your disability. As I contemplated letting you come back home, I realized I held all the cards. At that moment I decided THIS was what I wanted, my family together, and that NO disease would scare me away from that.
I have shared with a few people, and their reaction always seems to be somewhere along the lines of, “Y’all always look so perfect?” My response to them is, don’t put that kind of stress on someone, no one is perfect, we love each other yes, but we are far from perfect.
That next summer, Trinity and Noah went to a Christian summer camp. They loved it, by the end of the week, Trinity had given her heart to Jesus. I remember her running up to me to tell me the good news, she was crying and excited all in one. I couldn’t help but be excited for her, and at the same time I realized I was jealous. I was 31 years old and I had never felt that connection with God. At that moment I knew, I understood that what was missing in our lives was strength in our faith. You always wanted us to have a relationship with God, but I was not ready.
Trinity saved us. I believe God worked though her to get to us. He knew that we would do anything for her, and she needed a place to feel connected with God. We needed a place that would help us develop the belief that God loves us no matter what, that we do not have to be perfect, he is. When I realized I could let that go, I became a better mom, but most importantly, wife. I say most importantly because the harmony between a husband and wife is the driving force in a home. We have the most awesome connection now.
I love you Mario, I know that we are supposed to be together because I admire the man you want to become, and you admire who I want to become. I love that you have started dreaming again. I love you because you take it upon yourself to read faith based books that will help you connect with me, and then you talk with me about what you learn. We are meant to be together because our harmony is unique. Our children are examples of the love we have for God.
You are my rock, my strength. You are so brave. I admire you for what you are willing to do for your family. This procedure has brought hope back! Just know that we love you so much. I love the fact that I get to spend the rest of my life with you! I will never take that for granted! Happy 14th Anniversary!
I tried to find a card that said all this, instead I wrote it myself.
God bless you, I love you,